A note, before I begin:
The first part of this, strictly regarding what I want in a devotional, was a thought I had and believed worth keeping. So I sat down to type it up and save for later. As I continued typing, it became more of a desperate plea. And I think that’s worth keeping too. And since I hardly post here, I thought, perhaps I should put it out there, in case someone else might be helped by it, or simply for my own vanity, or as an additional measure against losing it. I don’t really know. But whatever, for whatever reason, here is my little scribbling:
When I say I want a daily devotional, what I don’t mean is motivational speech packaged with a few Christian words and the odd Bible quote.
I want a Christian, Catholic Theology that is so beautiful, so moving, so inspirational and aspirational that I can’t help but to be motivated. I want a sign of a love so grandiose and so gratuitous as to be absolutely whimsical. I want a truth that shakes me right to the core, a love that takes my hand, justice that leaves me breathless, wisdom that reverberates in my soul, knowledge that transcends what I thought I knew – I want a glimpse of God. Please, Lord, let me but glimpse you. Let me love you, worship and adore you. Let me be counted as but the least of Your saints, that I might have some crumb of their glory, Your glory. Lord, help me to love You. I am so painfully aware of my lack of proper love for You. I give You short shrift; I fail to set aside the time. Let me have but a taste, keep me folded close to Your side, for I fear to wander, yet know I shall.
Lord, I am the most foolish of Your sheep: the one that knows how much it needs and relies on You, yet wanders about nevertheless. I need to surround myself with Your devotions, lest I otherwise fall away. God, grant me the grace to pursue you with determination, that I might finish the course set before me, to run with endurance the race to Your side.
Even in my weakness, I am so proud as to make myself superlative, echoing after Paul. If Paul was the worst of sinners, how can I dare to be better? But if Paul was the worst of sinners, how dare I equate myself to him, to make a claim for myself as to being, in fact, the worst? Do I know better than Paul? If I can get myself to but the edge of pride, I will be a million times closer to God than I am now, obsessing over whether ’tis vanity to make myself out as the “worst” when I know there are others objectively worse, or the beginning of a real search for humbleness, to esteem myself “worse” despite others, because what does it matter if others are worse if we’re all destined to punishment just the same? Or all destined to be saved just the same? All I know is I need to focus on cleaning up my own act as much as possible, and try to be a light to everyone I come in contact with.
And I want to be a light so much.
Maybe my motives are wrong? Maybe my motives are bad? I want the fruit of the Spirit: I believe life will be happier and more worth living in light of God’s timeless wisdom, and I rejoice to think one day, perhaps, I will stand at my Creator’s side and have the privilege of learning everything, about everything. My love is for knowledge, and I know there is a better way, but my motivation is for a life lived in peace and joy, and a search, and endless thirst for knowledge. God, grant me your grace. Amen.