The following was written as a reply to Stingray’s excellent post, here. I’ve been tired lately, so I don’t want to post this to her blog as I wrote it originally, but I do feel the need to put it up SOMEWHERE.
Then again, I don’t really know what else to say, how else to say it. So I guess I’m going to post it just the same, here and there, because I can’t help myself. Brat.
Thank you for this. I struggle similarly. My particular bent is that I love learning and researching so much that… I neglect the more practical and relational aspects. The intellectual side is just so much easier for me, but then, even the great and intellectual church fathers I read stress the importance of prayer and acts and devotions. It’s very frustrating! It’s like I’m more Facebook stalking God, reading and learning more than relating.
Between mdavid’s comments about works, and seeing SSM’s recent post about the prodigal son, at least I have a starting point to get back to it. But, if I can, I’m going to shamelessly ask if people will offer a prayer or two for me, to help me get the momentum going. XD I know it’s not just me, it’s the Spirit too… but as you say, it’s hard, not having the <I>feeling</I> of God… Even though I know better, it still feels like it’s all on me, that I need to do this, that, be more disciplined, be more holy… I need to go back and reread the Gospels and Romans again… I’m crushing myself under my own expectations, I think. T.T I don’t want to cut myself too much slack and just be a “Churchian”, but I just <I>can’t</i> do it all either. But then, what if that’s just me holding back? What if I just need a little more faith? I don’t know, and I’m so wary of any reassurance, afraid that I’m just rationalizing things when I should know better… Sorry to flood your combox like this. It kind of boiled up, and even though I don’t post much, I feel like I can trust the people who hang out here. I’ve just been exhausted lately.